Why Wizards Shouldn't Bake
by Aindel S. Druida
Summary: An AindelCy Challenge fic. This concerns Hogwarts' Annual BakeOff, and is completely devoid of plot. Anyone looking for meaningful literature should not read. Anyone looking for a good laugh should.


A/N:  I was tricked into this.  The sad part is, I also came up with most of the rules/guideline-type thingies for this challenge.  The challenge is as follows:

This is an MWPP fic It revolves around Hogwarts' annual Bake-Off The central character is Remus Lupin It includes Tawa-Tawas, a green beaver-pelt hat, 24 golden fingernails, a Spanish exchange student named Gunther, and the phrases "Donde esta me mano?" and "I know how to take care of my own monkey, thank you very much." 

The other participant is Sharon, whose name changes constantly, but I'm sure you can find her if you search under "cynara"…or you could just click on my Favourite Authors list.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters or settings or anything related to Harry Potter.  I own (with Cy) the rules for this challenge.  I own any original ideas in here.  And the monkey.

            "Hey.  Hey.  HEY!"  Heads turned to see Sirius Black rush into the Gryffindor Common Room, waving a piece of parchment.  He dove onto the large couch currently occupied by James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Lily Evans.  Remus groaned as Sirius' flailing hand caught his nose.

            "Er…sorry, Remus.  Guess what Dumbledore just announced!"

            Remus looked at Peter and James.  "Sentences that start like that are never good."

            "Remus!"

            "Well, honestly, Lily!  Think about what's happened in the past when Sirius came charging in here saying those words."

            The group paused to remember.  In the past seven years, there had been the Piñata Challenge, the Marshmallow Bunny hunt, the fashion show (in which Peter had been forced into an oversized red polka-dot robe and a green beaver-pelt hat), and Incidents that they would rather _not_ remember.

            Sirius was looking at them, waiting impatiently.  They could tell it was killing him not to tell them, and they were having fun with it.  Finally, James took pity on him and asked the question no one really wanted to ask.  "So what did Dumbledore announce?"

            "There's going to be a Bake-Off!"  Sirius' face was absolutely shining.

            Remus blinked.  "A _Bake-Off_?"

            "Yeah!"

            "And the idea of this has you… excited?"

            "Uh-huh."

            "Er… I know I'll be sorry I asked, but _why_?"

            "Because girls love to bake!"

            "Of course," sighed Remus.  What else could it have been?  Being a typical guy, the only things on Sirius' brain were food, girls, and sports (not necessarily in that order).

            Lily was still staring at Sirius.  "Sirius, have you _ever_ baked _anything_ in your life?  On purpose, I mean?"

            "No.  But the challenge is in pairs, so I signed you and James up together, and I'll be working with Remus."

            James narrowed his eyes.  "You signed me up for a Bake-Off?  Without asking me first?"

            "You don't need to thank me, James."

            "Believe me, I won't."

            Remus Lupin lay awake in his four-poster bed, going over the day's events in his head.  Thanks to Sirius' stupidity, he was now in a baking competition with the dunce, and couldn't get out of it.

            "What about Peter?" Remus had said.

            "What about him?"

            "Why don't you bake with him instead of me?"

            "Dumbledore wants him to be a student judge."

            "Damn."

            Later, when they were heading down to dinner, it had been even worse.

            "I found this book in the library, Moony!  We can use it to bake something, can't we?"

            Remus took the book and opened it to a random page.  Quickly, he scanned the ingredients list.  "Clam powder, blackroot, ground wormwood, 24 golden fingernails, 17 drops of blood… Sirius, what _is_ this?"

            "…A recipe book."

            He flipped the book over.  "1001 Ways to Cure a Hag.  You seriously thought this would help us?"

            "You mean it won't?"

            Remus gave an exasperated sigh, shoved the book back toward Padfoot, and hurried to catch up with James and Lily.

            Now he lay there, wondering if there was anything he could do to get himself disqualified.  He was sure killing his partner and baking _him_ would do it…

            "Anything good yet, Moony?"

            Remus snorted.  "Padfoot's among the shelves, still searching."

            "Are you ever going to tell him you found a recipe to use?"

            "Eventually."

            "Before or after he murders someone and steals their recipe?"

            "I haven't decided yet."

            Another frustrated scream was heard somewhere from behind the rows and rows of bookshelves, causing everyone in the library to turn their heads.  Sirius Black came storming out of yet another section, practically tearing out his hair.  "There are no good recipes in this library!"  Madam Pince gave him a hard look, and he apologized meekly before continuing in a softer voice.  "I've been looking through these shelves for two hours, and I _still_ haven't found anything edible."

            "So you need to check another section, then."

            "You do it."

            "I'm not the one who wants to do this, remember?"

            "Fine."  Sirius left, heading for the Potions section.  James shook his head.

            "Lily and I are making these things called Tawa-Tawas."

            "What are they?"

            "No idea, but Lily says they're great, and easy to make, so we're sticking with it."  A crash was heard among the bookshelves, followed by a moan.  "Maybe you'd better tell him soon."

            Remus sighed.  "Yeah, I know.  Come on, let's get Padfoot out of _this_ mess."

            Dinner that night was very strange.  The meat was overcooked, the first time that anyone could remember that happening, there was water instead of Pumpkin juice, and Dumbledore made another announcement.

            "If I could have your attention for a moment."  He paused, and waited for silence.  "I hope you are all having a wonderful time in preparation for our first Annual Bake-Off.  However, this announcement has nothing whatsoever to do with that.  We have the honour this evening of welcoming an exchange student to Hogwarts."

            Sirius leaned over to Remus.  "I hope she's beautiful, blond, and American.  I've got a mate in Beauxbatons who says they're absolutely amazing.  They've had five in the past three months!"  Remus had no answer except to roll his eyes and turn his attention back to Dumbledore.

            None of Sirius' wishes would come true, though.  The exchange student wasn't even female, let alone beautiful and American.  He was short, dark, and spoke with a thick Spanish accent.  He introduced himself as Gunther.  

            "Remus.  Remus.  HEY MOONY!" Sirius whispered loudly.

            "What?" answered Remus, getting annoyed.

            "Look at that kid!"

            "What about him?"

            "Look at his shoulder!  He's got a MONKEY!"

            Sure enough, when Remus looked back to the exchange student, there was indeed a small spider monkey sitting on the shoulder of the Spanish boy.  "So what, Sirius?"

            "Isn't that wicked?  I wonder how he trained it… We're going to talk to him later."

            "What do you mean '_we_'?"

            Despite all pleas from Remus, Sirius managed to drag him up to the Spanish boy.

            "Hey," Sirius started cheerfully.  "I'm Sirius Black, and he's Remus Lupin.  Can we see your monkey?"

            Completely tactless, thought Remus as Sirius started to rant on about how much he liked monkeys.  Gunther looked around.  "Donde esta me mano?"

            "What?"

            "Where is my monkey?"

            "You just had it… How can you lose a monkey?"  Remus didn't like the sound of this.

            "_HOLY MERLIN!  THERE'S A MONKEY ON THE TABLE!_"  The high-pitched shriek came from somewhere along the Ravenclaw table.  Plates crashed to the floor and food sprayed everywhere as the monkey ran across the table and made a running leap for the door.  Unfortunately, the monkey overcalculated the jump, missed the door completely, and hit the wall.  His small, furry body hit the floor with a _thud_.  

            Gunther ran over to his monkey and began gibbering to it in rapid Spanish.  He picked it up and cradled it in his arms.  Sirius walked up behind him, dragging Remus by the sleeve.  A single tear flowed down Sirius' cheek as he asked in a choked voice, "Is he going to be okay?"

            Remus cleared his throat.  "Erm… you know, maybe you should keep him on a leash… or something…"

            Gunther whipped around.  "I know how to take care of my own monkey, thank you very much!  You've done nothing but hate me since the moment I entered this school.  From now on, you and I are enemies.  I _will_ beat you in the Bake-Off.  Then we'll see who's the top of the school!"  He turned and stalked off, resuming his Spanish babble.  The two other Marauders came up.

            "Well…that was interesting," James remarked, letting out a low whistle.

            Remus blinked.  "I don't think I've ever lived through anything so strange."

            "Not even…" Sirius began.

            "No."

            "But wha..."

            "No."

            "How do you know what I'm going to say?"

            "Because you're Sirius."

            "Oh."  Sirius paused for a minute.  "So are you going to take his challenge?  Are we going to win the Bake-Off?"

            "I suppose so.  There's nothing else to do right now, anyway."

            "Good, because I found this great recipe and…"

            "Sirius?"

            "Yeah?"

            "No."

            "Well then, what are we going to use?"

            "A cookie recipe I've had in my pocket since the beginning."

            "You mean I spent six hours in the Hospital Wing from those books for nothing?"

            James snickered.  "Not for _nothing_.  It was excellent entertainment."

            The Marauders ran after each other with random bits of food until McGonagall sent them to Gryffindor Tower.

            "The winner of Hogwarts' first Annual Bake-Off is…" Dumbledore drummed his hands on the Judge's Table, receiving strange looks from students and teachers alike, "Severus Snape!"

            The sallow-skinned, greasy-haired teenager stood up and waved to the astonished crowd.  He had known all along that his peanut-butter-chocolate-strawberry cookies would win first prize.  After all, what's not to love about hyphenated cookie names?

            Sirius was about to burst into tears.  "We lost.  To _Snivellus_.  We'll never make history now!"

            Remus blinked, something he'd been doing a lot of lately.  "You wanted to make history in a Bake-Off?"

            "Well, yeah."

            Remus shook his head and leaned over to James and Lily.  They got a very malicious glint in their eyes as they listened to the werewolf.  The three of them turned to Sirius, who backed away slowly.

            "Easy…easy…No!  Not that!  Aaaaaaaah!"  Sirius' screams could be heard all throughout Hogwarts as he became a sugar cake.

A/N:  That was dumb.  Please excuse me while I go kill Sharon…

…

Anyway.  I'm sorry if that wasn't particularly funny.  I haven't had a lot of time to write this.

Make sure you review, and write more than one line!  I'm trying to beat Sharon here!

If you want to write a story using these utterly ridiculous guidelines, email me at daerons_runes@hotmail.com, or Sharon at animal_097@hotmail.com.  

The end.  Do not ask for more.  Well, you can, but you won't get it.  I'm not a generous person.

Aindel S. Druida


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